Bare Night

by Christina Brooks

I regularly drive at night, normally on a Friday. Every fortnight I take a 2-3 hour drive up to the Central Coast from Sydney. It takes so long because I have to stop and shop on the way. You see it's a grocery run.

Because I am travelling on Friday night I have to take extra special care. I need to be wide awake and ready for anything. I've encountered all sorts on my trips. I try and leave at around 8pm - most people are where they want to be and they won't be leaving for a couple of hours.

Unfortunately I usually encounter one or all of these:

The 'dark knights', drivers who think it is clever to drive around in the dark and the rain without any headlights. They zip in and out of the traffic, sometime racing against their friends but usually just trying to avoid getting snapped by the cameras.

The 'drifters' - the people who think that blinkers are for other people - they slip and slide in and out of the lanes without so much as a backward glance. They seem to think that everyone else is responsible.

The 'fraidy cats'. These people either can't see well, don't know where they are going or are scared of the drifters and the 'dark knights' - so they travel 20k below the speed limit in the middle lane. That way they are prepared for anything.

The 'rev heads' - you know them, drive very loud vehicles, quite often with very large wheels and they think they are hotter than Jacques Villeneuve at Monaco.

The 'piss heads' - driving in a straight line is impossible because they have pickled their brains. They are working on auto pilot and half the lights are out.

And let's not forget the 'light runners'. They see an amber light and their foot hits the accelerator hard enough to push it through the floor. By the time they get to the lights, they've changed to red and you wonder how they managed not to kill someone. Bus drivers are really good at this one.

There are others. But these are the worst I usually encounter.

And let's not forget the Friday night pedestrians. There are only two types - the safe and the stupid. And stupid usually outnumbers the safe 5 to 1. Its Friday night - time to get pissed and stoned. The Stupid can be divided into subcategories.

The gangs of idiots who decide that there is safety in numbers and the drivers will stop for them. The fact that the pedestrians are all wearing black and the nearest streetlight is 100 metres away is never taken into consideration.

The arguing lovers - one (usually the female) takes it into their head to run away - across a 4 or 6 lane highway. Making a dramatic exit. Sometimes it is more dramatic than they imagined.

Then there are the pissed. These individuals couldn't walk a straight line if their life depended on it. If you manage to miss them you pray they aren't on their way to their car.

But last Friday night I encountered a new one.

I'd left on my journey late - around 10:30pm. So after I'd done the shopping it was 11:50pm and the roads were getting interesting again. I was about 1 1/2 hours from my destination and I'd already encountered a 'dark knight', a couple of 'drifters' and a 'fraidy cat'. And the stupid pedestrians were out in force.

I was travelling through Killara in Sydney's north. The lights ahead had just turned red so I was slowing to a stop. The car in front had already pulled up to the lights. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a light shape moving towards me from the right. It was bouncing up and down and moving towards the car in front.

It took me a moment or two to register what I was seeing. Then it all came into focus.

He was about 20 and around 6 foot tall. A slim to medium build. His hair was curly, strawberry blonde and came to his shoulders. He was capering. Naked. Holding onto his penis and shaking it about. He seemed very proud of his penis. It was flaccid but it was a bit chilly. He was a natural blonde. And he may have been Jewish.

First he waved it about near the car in front, first at the driver's window and then near the passenger's window. Then he capered towards the left door of my car, twirling his penis about. Then he sensed the movement of the car in front of me and jumped up on the kerb and disappeared behind my car.

As I prepared to move off, I looked across the road. He had 3 friends. They were all laughing. One of them bent down to collect his discarded clothing.

The last I saw of him was a brief glimpse in my rear vision mirror.

I hope he didn't catch cold.